Need Office Clean Jokes!

[ConElite]

Alright we have this guy here in our office that thought it would be a good idea to tell one joke a day for laughs. Well they are just not what u would call funny. Can i get some office clean jokes PLease.

[BadWS6]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up to another floor, but you cannot go back down to another floor except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

[Steel2686]

I sent this to my Wife.

[ConElite]

Ha ha ha ha... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAammmmmmmmen
ha ha ha
I have alot of female enemies now.. i forgot, 80% of the people i work with are females. ha ha ha. Goodone BaDWS6

[thenuge876]

definately hilarious...and true!

[Kevin - Blown 95 TA]

Prince Charles drove his Jag onto the grounds of his mothers estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, killing it instantly. He jumped out to look at it and it's terribly mangled. While he's looking at the dog, he sees this old oil lamp relic sticking out of the grass and he pulls it out of the ground and dusts it off. A genie appeared and said "You have freed me from a thousand years of captivity. As a reward I will grant you one wish."

"Well", Prince Charles says "I have pretty much everything I need - but I just killed this dog. Is there any way you can bring it back to life?"

The genie looks at the dog and says, "Man, that dog is too mutilated to bring back to life. Is there something else you can wish for?"

Prince Charles thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and brought out two photos. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman named Diana." The prince said showing the genie the first photo. "The whole country loved her but we got divorced and she was killed in an automobile accident. A few months ago I married this woman, Camilla." He showed the genie the second photo, then said, "Camilla isn't the beauty that Diana was, and everyone hates her. Do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said, "Lets have a look at that dog again."

[Kevin - Blown 95 TA]

A man goes into an optometrist office to have his eyes examined. The doctor told him, "Listen, you've got to stop masturbating."

"Why Doc?" the man asked. "Am I going blind?"

"No," said the optometrist. "But you're upsetting my other patients."

[Nightrage]

Marty has been having an odd problem for the past few weeks, so he decides to see his doctor.

Doctor: "So, what seems to be the problem?"
Marty: "Well, you see, every morning at 5:30 I have the best bowel movement of my life"
Doctor: "That's great! So what's the problem?"
Marty: "I don't wake up until 6"

[phastls1]

The Boy fell into a mud puddle....oh wait, nevermind, that's a dirty joke...lol

[Steel2686]

Prince Charles drove his Jag onto the grounds of his mothers estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, killing it instantly. He jumped out to look at it and it's terribly mangled. While he's looking at the dog, he sees this old oil lamp relic sticking out of the grass and he pulls it out of the ground and dusts it off. A genie appeared and said "You have freed me from a thousand years of captivity. As a reward I will grant you one wish."

"Well", Prince Charles says "I have pretty much everything I need - but I just killed this dog. Is there any way you can bring it back to life?"

The genie looks at the dog and says, "Man, that dog is too mutilated to bring back to life. Is there something else you can wish for?"

Prince Charles thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and brought out two photos. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman named Diana." The prince said showing the genie the first photo. "The whole country loved her but we got divorced and she was killed in an automobile accident. A few months ago I married this woman, Camilla." He showed the genie the second photo, then said, "Camilla isn't the beauty that Diana was, and everyone hates her. Do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said, "Lets have a look at that dog again."

I've heard this same joke with Bill and Hillary Clinton inserted instead. Funny.

[pete]

Since we don't seem to have any lawyers on this board:


> One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.
>
> He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
>
> "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We HAVE TO eat grass."
>
> Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you!"
>
> "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under > that tree."
>
> "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
>
> Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
>
> The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children
with me!"
>
> "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered.
>
> They all jammed into the huge limo.
>
> Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
>
> Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

[ConElite]

Marty has been having an odd problem for the past few weeks, so he decides to see his doctor.

Doctor: "So, what seems to be the problem?"
Marty: "Well, you see, every morning at 5:30 I have the best bowel movement of my life"
Doctor: "That's great! So what's the problem?"
Marty: "I don't wake up until 6"

OMG thats a great one Nightrage. ha ha ha... LOTFLMAO

[Roger in Kensington]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's service, and he asked if the cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views." Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint."

The cardinal thought about it and said, "Well the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday service and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

During the sermon, as promised, the cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. I could never again trust the man after he turned on his buddies in VietNam. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted." The cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."

[bru333]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how
she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look
good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing." "You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."

[Kevin - Blown 95 TA]

That's a good one Bruce!