The year is 2017 and, around the world, sports heroes have gathered to join forces and fight for the good of mankind.
On a dark night in early July an alarm rings out at a Jewelry store in Miami. The police show up, and find no evidence of forced entry, just missing gold and jewels valued in the tens of millions of dollars. There are no finger prints and the security cameras appear to have been disabled prior to the crime.
The police chief scratches his head with a look of despair and says to a detective "This is the third one this month. We havent got any leads and no clue as to how they are operating". The detective says "Chief, I just had an idea! Why don't we call the Stars Traveling Under Pseudonyms In Disguise (S.T.U.P.I.D.)"? "Who are they"? the chief asks. "They are retired sports stars that have decided to band together to fight crime." "Hmm, well, I guess it would be worth a shot. Lets call them."
"Uhm, hello. This is A-Hole, I mean A-Rod" . "Yes I think we can help, let me assemble the team. We'll be in Miami tomorrow."
A-Rod, Tom Brady, Michael Vick, and Jeff Gordon step off the private jet. The police chief greets them and asks them how their flight was. He starts to give details about the case, but A-Rod interrupts him and says "We are still
on our team captain." As he finishes they hear the low rumbling noise of a large engine and heavy bass from a stereo. A hummer H16 pulls up with 46 inch spinning rims. The door opens and out steps Shaq. He walks over to the group and says hello and the police chief begins to spell out the case for them.
"We'll get right on it says Shaq and the group piles into the Shaqille Mobile, (Jeff Gordon has to use a ladder.) They drive off and investigate the crime scene.
The chief receives a phone call and nods his head and sighs. When he hangs up, his assistant asks, "What is it?" "It is what we have always feared would happen. It seems that the University of Miami football alumni have come back to help prepare the college players in the off-season. They are behind these crimes." "What will we do chief?" "It is out of our hands now, they are protected by the courts and the school's boosters. We have to let S.T.U.P.I.D. handle the situation now."
The heroes are all standing around in one of the stores when Jeff Gordon asks, "How are we going to track them down?" At that very same moment, Tom Brady says "Look, a trail of white powder." "ooh, ooh, ooh, is it powdered sugar? Please let it be powdered sugar." Shaq says. "No, it is Cocaine, lets follow it." says A-Rod. Following the trail they come upon a large mansion with a gated driveway. There are guards outside armed with Tazers and billy clubs. As they approach, they see that the guards have taken notice to their presence and are alert and ready for a fight. Michael Vick leaps from the car and turns into his alter ego, RON MEXICO. He shouts, "BY THE POWER OF MEXICO, I HAVE HERPES". He dashes forward and the guards give chase. He dodges and weaves and
of the can grab him. He opens a duffle bag and grabs a football and throws it at the switch to open the gate, and he misses. He keeps dodging their attack and throwing the ball until on the sixteenth try he finally hit the target and Shaq drives in. Vick dashes through the gate and just as it closes sticks his hand out to grab the tube of Herpacin that he dropped.
They make their way to the entrance and burst down the door. Inside stands Ray Lewis, and Kellen Winslow Jr. They look ready for a fight. Jeff Gordon chugs a Pepsi and his special power of picking fights against men he cannot possibly defeat comes out. He runs up and bitch slaps Lewis and proceeds to take his beating. A-Rod and Tom Brady square off against Winslow who is wearing a motorcycle helmet. Brady distracts him as A-Rod jumps on his back. "We have to get this helmet off of him, it gives him his power" says A-Rod. Tom Brady trips him and as he crashes to the ground they both pin him. A-Rod undoes his chin strap and pulls off the helmet as he regains his footing and pulls away from them. "The helmet means nothing to me, I dont need it, I'm a Soldier." says Winslow. The two men pin him against the wall just as Kellen Winslow Sr. comes from out of nowhere and slaps the shit out of him. "You embarrass me" says Sr. He walks away with his head held in shame.
Meanwhile Ray Lewis is growing tired of beating Jeff Gordon to a pulp and doing his stupid dance that he does. As he huffs for breath, Shaq Bear-hugs him into submission. "Tell us who your leader is." says Shaq. "Never" shouts Lewis. "Ok, then you are going to go to jail" says A-Rod. "Oh in that case, my leader is Michael Irvin and he is in the basement with all of the stolen jewelry and I will be happy to testify against him in exchange for immunity. Please dont send me to jail." sobs Lewis.
The group makes it to the basement to find that Michael Irvin is indeed there and is wearing a gaudy suit made completely from Gold and Diamonds. "hahaha, you can never defeat me now, I have an impenetrable suit made of gold and big big BIG diamonds." shouts Irvin. "We are going to need reenforcements" says A-Rod as he pushes a button on his belt. In through the door walks Tim Duncan and Peyton Manning who is wearing a mask. "Peyton, why are you wearing that mask?" asks Vick. "Cause I am ugly and it scares little kids if I don't" says Manning. Just as he finishes, a dozen reporters burst into the room and start to interview Manning and Duncan. They give their normal cliche answers and Irvin quickly dies of boredom. "Hooray" shouts the team. "Evil has been defeated once again by S.T.U.P.I.D." After the celebration has ended they walk back to Shaq's Hummer and see that the rims have been stolen and it has been looted for all of the chrome. "Wow, I didn't realize that Sean Taylor was out of Jail" said Shaq.
The End
On a dark night in early July an alarm rings out at a Jewelry store in Miami. The police show up, and find no evidence of forced entry, just missing gold and jewels valued in the tens of millions of dollars. There are no finger prints and the security cameras appear to have been disabled prior to the crime.
The police chief scratches his head with a look of despair and says to a detective "This is the third one this month. We havent got any leads and no clue as to how they are operating". The detective says "Chief, I just had an idea! Why don't we call the Stars Traveling Under Pseudonyms In Disguise (S.T.U.P.I.D.)"? "Who are they"? the chief asks. "They are retired sports stars that have decided to band together to fight crime." "Hmm, well, I guess it would be worth a shot. Lets call them."
"Uhm, hello. This is A-Hole, I mean A-Rod" . "Yes I think we can help, let me assemble the team. We'll be in Miami tomorrow."
A-Rod, Tom Brady, Michael Vick, and Jeff Gordon step off the private jet. The police chief greets them and asks them how their flight was. He starts to give details about the case, but A-Rod interrupts him and says "We are still
on our team captain." As he finishes they hear the low rumbling noise of a large engine and heavy bass from a stereo. A hummer H16 pulls up with 46 inch spinning rims. The door opens and out steps Shaq. He walks over to the group and says hello and the police chief begins to spell out the case for them."We'll get right on it says Shaq and the group piles into the Shaqille Mobile, (Jeff Gordon has to use a ladder.) They drive off and investigate the crime scene.
The chief receives a phone call and nods his head and sighs. When he hangs up, his assistant asks, "What is it?" "It is what we have always feared would happen. It seems that the University of Miami football alumni have come back to help prepare the college players in the off-season. They are behind these crimes." "What will we do chief?" "It is out of our hands now, they are protected by the courts and the school's boosters. We have to let S.T.U.P.I.D. handle the situation now."
The heroes are all standing around in one of the stores when Jeff Gordon asks, "How are we going to track them down?" At that very same moment, Tom Brady says "Look, a trail of white powder." "ooh, ooh, ooh, is it powdered sugar? Please let it be powdered sugar." Shaq says. "No, it is Cocaine, lets follow it." says A-Rod. Following the trail they come upon a large mansion with a gated driveway. There are guards outside armed with Tazers and billy clubs. As they approach, they see that the guards have taken notice to their presence and are alert and ready for a fight. Michael Vick leaps from the car and turns into his alter ego, RON MEXICO. He shouts, "BY THE POWER OF MEXICO, I HAVE HERPES". He dashes forward and the guards give chase. He dodges and weaves and
of the can grab him. He opens a duffle bag and grabs a football and throws it at the switch to open the gate, and he misses. He keeps dodging their attack and throwing the ball until on the sixteenth try he finally hit the target and Shaq drives in. Vick dashes through the gate and just as it closes sticks his hand out to grab the tube of Herpacin that he dropped. They make their way to the entrance and burst down the door. Inside stands Ray Lewis, and Kellen Winslow Jr. They look ready for a fight. Jeff Gordon chugs a Pepsi and his special power of picking fights against men he cannot possibly defeat comes out. He runs up and bitch slaps Lewis and proceeds to take his beating. A-Rod and Tom Brady square off against Winslow who is wearing a motorcycle helmet. Brady distracts him as A-Rod jumps on his back. "We have to get this helmet off of him, it gives him his power" says A-Rod. Tom Brady trips him and as he crashes to the ground they both pin him. A-Rod undoes his chin strap and pulls off the helmet as he regains his footing and pulls away from them. "The helmet means nothing to me, I dont need it, I'm a Soldier." says Winslow. The two men pin him against the wall just as Kellen Winslow Sr. comes from out of nowhere and slaps the shit out of him. "You embarrass me" says Sr. He walks away with his head held in shame.
Meanwhile Ray Lewis is growing tired of beating Jeff Gordon to a pulp and doing his stupid dance that he does. As he huffs for breath, Shaq Bear-hugs him into submission. "Tell us who your leader is." says Shaq. "Never" shouts Lewis. "Ok, then you are going to go to jail" says A-Rod. "Oh in that case, my leader is Michael Irvin and he is in the basement with all of the stolen jewelry and I will be happy to testify against him in exchange for immunity. Please dont send me to jail." sobs Lewis.
The group makes it to the basement to find that Michael Irvin is indeed there and is wearing a gaudy suit made completely from Gold and Diamonds. "hahaha, you can never defeat me now, I have an impenetrable suit made of gold and big big BIG diamonds." shouts Irvin. "We are going to need reenforcements" says A-Rod as he pushes a button on his belt. In through the door walks Tim Duncan and Peyton Manning who is wearing a mask. "Peyton, why are you wearing that mask?" asks Vick. "Cause I am ugly and it scares little kids if I don't" says Manning. Just as he finishes, a dozen reporters burst into the room and start to interview Manning and Duncan. They give their normal cliche answers and Irvin quickly dies of boredom. "Hooray" shouts the team. "Evil has been defeated once again by S.T.U.P.I.D." After the celebration has ended they walk back to Shaq's Hummer and see that the rims have been stolen and it has been looted for all of the chrome. "Wow, I didn't realize that Sean Taylor was out of Jail" said Shaq.
The End
