depression

[gimp19]

These are post I made on another forum, any input or comments are welcome. It really helps to hear another persons point of view.

#1

To make a long story short 26years ago I was born dead, I have a birth defect known as Hydrocephalus(fluid build up in the brain). To treat it they inserted a shunt from my head to stomach witch drains the fluid, since I was 7 I've had 3 operations to revise it last one was when I was 15. The docs said it should last a long time cause I wouldnt grow much more now my head and abdomen are covered in scars.

Fast forward to '09, by now I've been telling myself for years I'm not normal and would never find a girl I was good enough for (I've never had a gf). Well my 26th b-day was the 28th and I kinda just lost it, I stopped talking to my family who insists that I'm normal and dont understand where I coming from. It's also really hard for me to see my 27y.o sister and 23y.o brother who each own a house and have kids. I just cant picture anybody who would want to fall in love with a person who they know has a health defect.

Sorry for the unorganized rant

#2

I greatly appreciate all of your input, in a way I need to hear it from somebody who's not a family member cause I feel like they are just saying it cause they love me.

I cant get over the fact that I'm covered in scars and feel like at anytime I could end up in the hospital (although for the last 11years I've felt 100%) . The only time I feel normal is at work, cause nobody knows about my birth defect and all of them think I'm a good worker and I feel like working is the only thing I have in common with "normal people".

My main issue is how am I supposed to meet somebody and then say "by the way I have a fairly major health condition and I'm covered in scars". Since I was about 7 I implanted in my head that I would never get married, have kids or any kind of normal life. 20years later I'm mentally screwed up I cant get past the fact that I'm "differant" and have told myself all along that nobody would ever want to be with me. Its so bad that I have never made a single attempt, and haven't been asked out either although I probly woulda down any offers in fear of being rejected.

I dont even have the confidence to go shirtless in public because if the scars. For the last few years I get like this for a while then I lie to myself and say somthing like, "next year will be differant" or "just deal with the fact you gonna be alone forever" and I'll pretend to be happy for a while. Then suddenly the truth hits me like a 2ton brick and every time it gets worse my last two birthdays were terrible. Its getting to the point where I'm awake for 9-10hours on a workday and sleep the rest to escape reality and avoid contact with my family. Who I feel are too good for me and I dont want to hurt them by being miserable and antisocial with them. My parents are taking it very cause they feel like its somehow there fault and that makes it worse for me.

end of rant

[FroSSty]

I am sorry to hear about your birth defect. However, that does not make you who you are. You are dwelling on it way too much. I can tell you firsthand that old scars will not interfere with a relationship that is built on love and compassion, as all should be. My wife had Leukemia as a child and has the 1'' by 3'' scar next to here heart from the cathedr to prove it. When we met, she was leary about wearing tank tops/bikinis in front of me but soon realized that it was more something to brag about than to be ashamed of.

There is no sense in hiding from life. You need to go out and live it. It may not be easy, but you gotta try. Life is that way. It throws you curveballs and how you react to them determines your character. Trust me, there is someone out there for everyone. If only you'd try. You don't have to bring it up on the first date. Let her get to know you a little first and if the relationship has potential, it will not matter to her.

[Joshu]

There is no reason to feel that you are less of a person or anything like that. Everybody is screwed up. Everyone has something "wrong" or "something to hide" with them that would be viewed as strange.... so don't think that it's just you alone out there.

I hope that you get back in contact with your family, they are truly the best support.

EDIT: and most importantly, the best professor I ever had said that you must love yourself first before you can love anyone else. He also added, you have to tell someone you love them now or else tomorrow will be too late.

[Steel2686]

Those scars are nothing to be ashamed of. They are your "battle wounds" and should b e worn as a badge of honor. You've probably been through more than most people you know and there is a girl out there for you who will see that. The reason you've never been asked out is your lack of confidence. You've been insecure for so long, women can sense that and they don't even bother trying.

As stated above, lean on your family. You need them more than you think. Then start carrying yourself with some confidence and your life will change for the better. Once you feel better about yourself, others will as well.

[ConElite]

Dude, Scars are whatever, Like stated above, They are battle wounds. I would use that story and a way to catch the chicks attention! lol. Thats sick, be like, Hell yes you would never guess, I was born dead!! And I lived ever since!! Girls would go nuts wanting to pamper you lol.


As Joshu said, EVERYONE is screwed up. Everyone has something wrong with them. I used to feel lame about myself then Bam, You sometimes have to step back and be like, "Who the F cares!"

If a chicks into you shes into you regardless of any scars or defects you might have. Go socialize and stuff. get back in contact with your fam, Thats the #1 thing.

You just have to stop looking down on yourself, We all go into those ruts but you have to get to the point and say, YOu r worth it. You Feeling sorry for yourself is only making it worse.

When Im down all I do is go and work on my car or keep myself busy, Try that instead of sleeping. Been there done that. It gets better ONLY if you do it for yourself!

[Wild Willy]

Stop focusing on what you think is wrong with you, and start realizing that you have a precious gift- you can get up out of bed everyday and go make a difference in the world- you have a job, a work 'family' friends on the forum- stop telling yourself there is something wrong with you, and start realizing that you are a survivor, that life dealt you a less-than-perfect hand, and yet, here you are- not addicted to drugs, not collecting welfare, out holding a job- something that many people can't or won't-

Sooner or later some woman is going to see you with her heart, not her eyes, and accept you for the person you are inside- Stay positive, and keep your eyes and heart open, to be ready when that time comes-

[Al 96 Ram Air T/A]

I feel your pain man...being "different" in today's world is not easy.

With that said, you need to make a choice - does your condition define who you are, or are you defined by how you live your life?

From what I'm hearing, you've made up your mind that the condition should dictate your future. To be quite frank, BULLS%&T! Like others have said, we all have issues. Some are physical, some are mental, some are simply character flaws. So what....

First thing you need to do is project who you are to others. People are attracted to those who are comfortable in their own skin. Most single, 20 - 40 year old people are insecure. When they meet someone who likes himself first and foremost, they are immediately put at ease with their own issues. You need to start projecting your self-confidence.

Why do you think people care about your disability? Someone looking to start a relationship doesn't care about scars or health issues...they're looking for a connection first. You ever see couples that appear to have nothing in common, but are obviously deeply in love. Why is that? They complete each other, and are stronger together than apart.

You don't need to tell anyone you have a disability on the first or even fourth date. If this person chooses to continue to see you, then they obviously see something in you you have not yet seen in yourself. Eventually, the topic will come out, but so what. You'll probably discover the other person has lots of secrets too.

Project to others who you want to be, not who you think they want you to be. Before I was married, I had a hard time meeting girls. Amazingly, after I was married, I had girls coming up to me all the time. Why? My confidence attracted them. I lacked that ability to "like" myself before, and girls picked up on that. After I was married, I was comfortable in my own skin, and they liked that.

Try an online dating service. Hang out in a Starbucks. Go to a Border's book store. There are single women out there with the same issues as you...how do "I" meet someone? Do things you enjoy, women will be attracted to your confidence. And for goodness sakes, stop projecting your misery. Happy people attract happy people.

Let life happen...and hang in there.

[gimp19]

My problem is I feel like I should "advertise" my health issue's so its not a suprise and I fear if I reveal them at a later time I will be turned down.

[thomas]

i kinda felt the same way when the dr's came and told me i needed to have heart surgery or i was going to die in two yrs when i was 18. it was tough cause i douldnt lead the life i was living. i couldnt even go and shoot hoops or run for fear it would kill me. i had surgury and it was the same thing. i now had this 12 inch scar on my chest along with two 2 inch slit right under each side of my rib cage. i could take my shirt to go swimming cause it would draw the eyes. so one day i said f it. and started to do everything and said so what. this is me. if you dont like it or cant deal with it then thats ok. i have to and ill deal with it. then i started to just make fun of myself and it eased tension between people that felt wierd or uncomfortable about what we were doin. i actaully built myself up to run a sub 16min 5k race. prople were like wtf. didnt you just have heart surgury? yep. alot of people dont survive defects. you have the will to live and dont realize it. you did after you were born and now its lost up there in that brain of yours. it is tough and will be tough. hell life for someone that doesnt have physical or health issues has a tough time. just remember that it can ALWAYS be worst. can u imagine being blind or def or having limp amputated ect ect. can u imagine not being able to walk? everything takes time. just deal with it and live like your heart and soul wanted you to when you were born.


btw: dont go searching for them!! they will come to you. it may take a while but there will be a reason she comes to you.

[ConElite]

My problem is I feel like I should "advertise" my health issue's so its not a suprise and I fear if I reveal them at a later time I will be turned down.

Stop doing that crap. Your making yourself out to be the charity case if you keep doing that. leave it alone and if it comes up it comes up. If someone see's ur scars then thats a pretty cool story you can tell. And if they dont like it, On to the next! Seems like your asking someone to see you, Then you shock them with your disorder then you expect them to stick around.

Look, coming from a 23 year young guy like myself living in a City like Los Angeles Caifornia where there is a hot girl every which way you look. Believe me man, Its not at all about how you look or what shape your in, But How you carry yourself. If you have the confidance, you can bag anyone.

Right now Im with a Smokin little number. Way out of my league, 5'7", 130, Works in the Fashion industry, Makes sick money, and is the complete opposite of me. Im a greasey car guy that wears a T-shirt and jeans every day of the week, but We get along great. Its f-ing awesome!

I was on this forum asking for some what of the same advice as you are now, All I can say it does get better if you want it to.

You need to get over the physical aspect and get some confidence and go out and have fun.

[DJ Taso]

Hit the gym. Working out releases chemicals. Not only does it give you a pyhsical boost, but mentally too. In no time you'll have a rock hard body and will feel better about yourself. Stick with a program and work out with a buddy. Nothing's more motovating than a work out partner.

Who cares about your scars. Sure, everybody has insecurities with their bodies...no body's perfect. If anyone asks tell them you had a rough child hood growing up. Hell, you ain't lying...

And don't rush trying to find someone, it will come to you. I know you're probably sick of hearing that, but it's true. And if she loves you she'll look past all that. Trust me.

Now get out there and start rockin!

[Joe 1320]

Look.....

#1. chicks dig scars. They also like the stories that go along with them. It's like a badge of honor.

#2, do something to boost your self confidence. Maybe it's heading to the gym, maybe it's just a basic makeover. The confidence thing is what needs to come to the surface. Once that happens, remember #1.

#3, prepare to be stalked once you understand #1 and #2 and aren't in persuit of anyone else.

be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

[Jeff_in_Atl]

be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

Boy isn't that the truth. When I was younger I wished for, well you know. Now I have 8 cats. BE SPECIFIC!

[raroZ28]

Boy isn't that the truth. When I was younger I wished for, well you know. Now I have 8 cats. BE SPECIFIC!

LOL

You obviously have zero confidence. You'll never get a girl with the attitude that you'll never get a girl.

You always see ugly, fat, geeky, annoying, tool looking guys with good looking honest chicks. Why? Because they're confident and they go after them.

It's like being in sales. It's a numbers game. Put yourself out there to 0 women and wait for them to come to you, you're not going to be closing any deals. Put yourself out there to 100 people, you have a chance of closing some. Put yourself out there to any girl you're interested in and you will land one eventually, I guarantee it.

Be funny, be confident, be polite, etc. Girls aren't all that difficult to land.

[3800_Firebird]

I am remembering my first date with my now fiance. We went out to eat and she told me that she can't eat much. I asked why, of course. She explained that she had her gall bladder removed and has digestive tract issues. It has been 5+ years and we are still together. She still has some of the issues, probably always will. I've never treated her as less of a person. In fact, her straight forward honesty was refreshing from who I had dated.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if there is someone out there for you, and most likely there is, they will be able to look past your scars and value you for you.

Everyone who is here on earth has value, everyone. It's hard, no doubt, but keep your chin up, man!