NFB: The Humor Thread

[Dave M]

Another message board I read has an off-topic thread for all-things humorous (in good taste of course). If the moderators will allow it, I say we start one here! I'll start it off! When you hear a good joke, feel free to add it!




A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new
Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the
young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 190 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 200 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath...

"Unhook...my...suspenders... from...your...side view mirror."

[Dave M]

Here's another one... I know we have some Texans here.....



Last Laugh


A Texan stood in London looking at a large building. A
British boy walked by and stood beside the American.

"You know," said the Texan, "in the States we have
that kind of building too, but they are four times
higher."

"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental
hospital."

[thomas]

1st one is pretty funny

[Dave M]

``A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

``The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

``The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

``There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'''

[abmcbballer]

hahahaha he made sure alright. Good one

[Dave M]

Snippets of Life

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments (or credit card....)

12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

19. Don't squat with your spurs on.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

24. Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

29. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

[wolfdogs]

News Paper Headlines: "West Virginia widow inherits Fortune". "A West Va. woman inherited several million dollars after her husband suddenly passed away last week. No one knew, as he had kept it a secret, that he had won the Million Dollar Jackpot Lottery. She won't be able to take posession of the fortune until she turns 16 however."

[Dave M]

I figured I'd resurect this thread with some new humor:



I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hunting, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"

[Dave M]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies
expense...

Deputy says "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign. "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me
the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my
license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let
me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Now then, sir, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Dave M]

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, "You graduated from
University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

"Everything but my earrings."

[Dave M]

My apologies to our Texas members.....






The young Texan came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from
the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."

[Dave M]

PET DIARIES UNCOVERED....

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The backyard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mum! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with the ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to hurl on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[Dave M]

I would like to call your attention to the following links. But be careful. Read the name very carefully and be absolutely sure you want to connect to these sites!

Be warned!!! The sites are not what you might expect.......be prepared.

www.whorepresents.com

www.expertsexchange.com

www.penisland.net

www.molestationnursery.com

www.therapistfinder.com




Remember, I warned you.

[Dave M]

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Farfrompoopen Road, the only road to Constipation Ridge, lost to Divorce Court and Psycho Path, which placed No. 1 in an online poll of the nation's wildest, weirdest and wackiest street names.

Mitsubishi Motors sponsored the poll on the Web site and more than 2,500 voters cast their ballots during a week of voting that ended this month. Winners were announced Friday.http://www.TheCarConnection.com

"Our readers really stepped up with some insane street names," said Web site publisher Paul Eisenstein. "Our panel had a difficult time narrowing several hundred down to the 10 our readers voted on.

"But we learned a lot about the byways of this country, not to mention the collective sense of humor of city planners everywhere."

In first place was Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich., followed by Heather Highlands, Pa.'s, Divorce Court in second and Tennessee's Farfrompoopen Road in third. Eisenstein said all the roads were verified, although some are private and hard to find.

The complete top 10 list included:

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas

9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.

8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.

7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.

6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.

5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston

4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.

3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)

2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.

1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.

[Dave M]

A salesman rang the bell at a home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.

Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your mother home?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked,

"What do you think?"