NFB - Southern Chili cook off. Long, but very funny
The following notes are from an
"inexperienced"chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
real,
Texas chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I just happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."
Here were the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank): HOLY S***, what the hell IS this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with this crap. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 (Frank): Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm
not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 (Frank): Call the EPA: I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Damn Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
sloshed from all of the beer, but it's the only way to keep from spontaneously combusting.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 (Frank): I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-lb. chick is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 (Frank): My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I can't help but
wonder if I'm ruining my chances to have children by eating this
radioactive gut slag. Also, it's really pissing me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 (Frank): My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. A minute ago, I crapped in my pants
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that sexy looking Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 (Frank): You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid, unnoticed, out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
like crap to match my shirt. At least during my autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude.... wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili.
"inexperienced"chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
real,
Texas chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I just happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."
Here were the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank): HOLY S***, what the hell IS this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with this crap. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 (Frank): Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm
not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 (Frank): Call the EPA: I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Damn Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
sloshed from all of the beer, but it's the only way to keep from spontaneously combusting.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 (Frank): I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-lb. chick is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 (Frank): My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I can't help but
wonder if I'm ruining my chances to have children by eating this
radioactive gut slag. Also, it's really pissing me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 (Frank): My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. A minute ago, I crapped in my pants
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that sexy looking Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 (Frank): You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid, unnoticed, out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
like crap to match my shirt. At least during my autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude.... wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili.
to funny
I've had chili that was "supposedly" hot, but didn't meet my expectations. I love hot foods also. Around my area they have some awesome authentic mexican places though....some of that gets pretty hot, but its some of the best tasting food you'll ever have in your life 
My Canadian wife's mom puts corn and carrots and beans in her chili and they eat it off of a plate with bread...and it is almost sweet. 
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