Subject: Words From Flight Crews
Some old, some new.....
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make
the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
*****************************
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
*****************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make
sure it's something we'd like to have."
*******************************
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane"
****************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
*******************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
*********************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
**********************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
***************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."
*****************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
***********************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately,
of them are on this flight!"
********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here
to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the ! flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
*********************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
**************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
************************************************** *
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the ! runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
************************************************** *****
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
************************************************** **********
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
************************************************** *********
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
smooth and uneventful f! light. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should
see the back of mine!"
************************************************** ****
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
Some old, some new.....
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make
the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
*****************************
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
*****************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make
sure it's something we'd like to have."
*******************************
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane"
****************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
*******************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
*********************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
**********************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
***************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."
*****************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
***********************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately,
of them are on this flight!" ********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here
to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the ! flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
*********************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
**************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
************************************************** *
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the ! runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
************************************************** *****
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
************************************************** **********
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
************************************************** *********
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
smooth and uneventful f! light. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should
see the back of mine!"
************************************************** ****
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
This world needs more humor like that!
Comment