Is this really a big deal?

[Joe 1320]

I guess she is possesive for lack of a better word. She's doesn't want to share me with my job, basketball, my best friend. This is the root of all of our agruments. She will be cool about stuff for a month or so, then something like Hooters happens, then it all comes out!

Remember that Women are great score keepers. Things that we dismiss, get over and forget about, women do not. It will come out at some point or arguement in the future. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be in any relationship.

I might suggest doing some reading. The book that comes to mind is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." It documents the thinking differences between the genders. It will go a long way toward your understanding of the other side of the species.

[Jeff_in_Atl]

It will go a long way toward your understanding of the other side of the species.

They will never be "understood". We just learn to deal with them better.

[Dave M]

I have/had a similar situation with my wife. Very minor things would cause her to get jealous and upset. Things like Hooters, Maxim magazine, even music videos with women like Shakira or Britney Spears would make her jealous. Obviously things like strip clubs, nudie magazines, or porn would throw her into a frenzy.

I've found that in cases like this, there is often something in the past, either hers or yours, that causes these feelings. Either she has been hurt in the past by a former boyfriend, or you two have had trust issues in the past.

My wife felt that if I wanted to go to hooters or look at the girls in Maxin or other similar magazines, that meant I'd rather have them than her, or that she wasn't good enough for me so I had to look at other women. Chances are your woman has similar feelings. If she's got 3 kids, maybe her former boyfriend/husband cheated on her, so she doesn't trust any guy around other women. You need to have a sit-down with her and talk to her/ask her about it. Agree before hand not to take anything the other person says personally, or to get angry over what the other says. That way you can listen and discuss rationally something that could be very upsetting to her.

I got my wife to ease up about hooters by taking her there. She ended up liking the wings and was able to see that the place is harmless. Over time she has eased up on some of the other stuff too, although she'll never be as trusting as most other women are with that sort of thing.

My suggestion: Seek counseling or have your own serious talk about the underlying issues. Don't expect her attitude towards that stuff to change overnight. She likely has some serious past issues to get over. Or maybe she just doesn't know what Hooters is all about. My wife goes to hooters without me now, and has no problem with me going by myself or with the guys.

Good luck.

[LS1 TA]

Remember that Women are great score keepers. Things that we dismiss, get over and forget about, women do not. It will come out at some point or arguement in the future. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be in any relationship.

I might suggest doing some reading. The book that comes to mind is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." It documents the thinking differences between the genders. It will go a long way toward your understanding of the other side of the species.

Its worth a shot, anything is better than a stupid fight. Or a least a fight I see as being stupid.

[LS1 TA]

I appreciate all of the honest help and advise. I am sure had I placed this on another board I would have gotten stuff like: You wus, dump her butt, slap her around, and other senseless stuff that would not have helped out at all. I will try and take all of these things into account before I get out of work so I can go home calm and collective.

[Steel2686]

Dave's write-up probably best describes the situation. While it's probably something that can be fixed, it shouldn't be avoided. This will be a much bigger issue if/when you do marry her. It will get worse with time.

You're smart to nip it in the bud.

[Bug Lover]

From a woman - RED FLAG! Your S.O. has issues. From your post, it sounds like her only problem is where you ate and that is a bigger problem. Trust seems to be an issue with her. We can all look and enjoy the scenery, so long as those of us in monogamous relationships don't touch. You did nothing wrong and she needs counseling. Dave is right on with his summation.

I've been to Hooters several times and went with my hubby for his birthday. The food was good and we had a good time with all of our children there too (all girls).

['STANGETR]

Listen up now, fellas!!!
This is from a women's point-of-view now.
O.K., you guys are actually giving him wonderful advice. And Dave M-you couldn't have said it any better.
Every woman will always have an insecurity about something, just like any guy will, too. I personally see no harm in Hooters, shoot, I've been to female strip clubs before too.....and no, I'm not bi either here fellas
I used to be a more jealous girl myself, only because of a past relationship. That is a very good possibility of the situation here. LS1 TA-you need to go home and ask her to sit down and talk with you about her feelings towards what you did. Ask her if there was anything in her past, but remember, you will probably just get an answer like "it's just not right for guys to go there when they're married or have a GF". By personal experience this is just an answer meaning she is insecure about herself in some way and probably fears that you are looking at other women and are in the market. Offer to her that you would love to take her there next time, and maybe add that you think she should get a part-time job there because you think she'd do a darn good job?!! That's just a great ego booster for her self-esteem!
Also, you may have to chill out for a little on going to "chick" places with your bud for awhile. Try to take her out a little more on the town, and try to help her feel better about herself and let her know that you are in it for the long run with her. Definitely offer counseling if she continues to be downright jealous of everything you do. As long as you are doing your part to help her, thumbs up to you in my eyes!! Good luck with everything, and let us know what happens.
And fellas, I will let you know that for some reason I just can't figure out men, and why they do the things they do sometimes...geesh, kinda like my T/A

[Steel2686]

And fellas, I will let you know that for some reason I just can't figure out men, and why they do the things they do sometimes...geesh, kinda like my T/A

Can't figure us out? We're a simple breed.

[LS1 TA]

Listen up now, fellas!!!
This is from a women's point-of-view now.
O.K., you guys are actually giving him wonderful advice. And Dave M-you couldn't have said it any better.
Every woman will always have an insecurity about something, just like any guy will, too. I personally see no harm in Hooters, shoot, I've been to female strip clubs before too.....and no, I'm not bi either here fellas
I used to be a more jealous girl myself, only because of a past relationship. That is a very good possibility of the situation here. LS1 TA-you need to go home and ask her to sit down and talk with you about her feelings towards what you did. Ask her if there was anything in her past, but remember, you will probably just get an answer like "it's just not right for guys to go there when they're married or have a GF". By personal experience this is just an answer meaning she is insecure about herself in some way and probably fears that you are looking at other women and are in the market. Offer to her that you would love to take her there next time, and maybe add that you think she should get a part-time job there because you think she'd do a darn good job?!! That's just a great ego booster for her self-esteem!
Also, you may have to chill out for a little on going to "chick" places with your bud for awhile. Try to take her out a little more on the town, and try to help her feel better about herself and let her know that you are in it for the long run with her. Definitely offer counseling if she continues to be downright jealous of everything you do. As long as you are doing your part to help her, thumbs up to you in my eyes!! Good luck with everything, and let us know what happens.
And fellas, I will let you know that for some reason I just can't figure out men, and why they do the things they do sometimes...geesh, kinda like my T/A

That all makes great sense and thanks. I don't do this all of the time(hooters and stuff), in fact I never do it. My buddy has been gone for a year(where he was in an all male inviroment) and is leaving againg here in a few days.
Maybe she will calm down after he leaves.

[Dave M]

'STNAGETR had a great follow-up that I didn't touch on. Not only does she likely have past issues relating to this, she's likely to have self-esteem issues as a result. Anything you can do to build up her self esteem and make her feel better about herself is a giant plus. By doing this, you make it clear to her that you think she's beautiful, and are committed to her for the long term. Evetually, she'll come to realize that you can be trusted around other women and are completely committed to her.

Talking about her issues will help you better understand where she's coming from and also have the added bonus of showing her you are willing to listen to what she has to say and are committed to making the relationship work. Add in helping her self-esteem as much as you can and avoid doing anything that could erase any gains made (one incident can erase months of progress), and you'll be well on your way to a healthy relationship. If you can afford it, a weekend away without the kids at a nice hotel or B&B where the focus is solely on her and your relationship with her is a great way to do that. There should be no TV or internet, no football, etc. Plan some things you can do together as a couple, things you enjoy together, or things that she enjoys that you can suffer through. The possibilities are endless. If you both enjoy the outdoors, you can go hiking, camping, visit zoos or nature preserves. If you enjoy city things, obviously there's many things you can do to have a romantic weekend together like the theater, museums, etc. You don't have to go far away, the key is that you two are alone and the focus is on her. As I said before though, it's not an overnight thing. It's a continous process.

Having said all that, if you do the above for months or a year and there are still serious problems, you just have to know when to pack it in. Only you know how much work the relationship is worth. I wouldn't go planning any weddings until you get these issues resolved.

[raroZ28]

sit her down, be very calm and nice about it, look into her eyes, etc, etc... And ask her what's wrong, hopefully she stays civil and doesn't get irate.

Assure her that you had no interest in looking at those other girls. I used this line with a couple girls...

"Baby, I don't pay attention to other girls. We went because he had just got home from Iraq and he wanted to eat there, I could have cared less where we ate. I don't have to go to hooters to see good looking women."

This is the important line tho. Be very sincere and look her in the eye.

"There are a lot of good looking women in the world, but that doesn't make you any less beautiful. I've yet to see a girl I can honestly say was better looking than you are to me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, or make you upset. If I knew you cared so much I wouldn't have gone. I won't go again, it isn't that important to me."

Then hug her.

The wording is important, by saying "You cared so much" it makes her feel good that you notice that she isn't just being a psycho, but it's because she cares.

Hopefully she melts.

['STANGETR]

I used this line with a couple girls...

"Baby, I don't pay attention to other girls. We went because he had just got home from Iraq and he wanted to eat there, I could have cared less where we ate. I don't have to go to hooters to see good looking women."

Geesh.....how many girls did you make jealous??!! Had to use that line a few times? You better cut that out....it's not nice

[Mark B]

It never ceases to amaze me the things women get mad about or make into a big deal. You would think we could get used to this kind of thing after awhile. NOPE!

[LS1 TA]

"Baby, I don't pay attention to other girls. We went because he had just got home from Iraq and he wanted to eat there, I could have cared less where we ate. I don't have to go to hooters to see good looking women."

This is exactly what I told her! Glad to see me and others on the same page.